The Sam Carter List
by FumblesMcStupid
Summary: Rodney feels under pressure to come up with ideas, so he finds a creative way to get help, but it kind of backfires.
1. You're a genius

A/N: This is my first try at writing fanfic, please be kind! Please let me know what you think, constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks to BiteMeTechie for the plot/energizer bunnies, I hope you don't mind me borrowing them! Also, a big thank-you to Jonezee, for beta reading this, (and for setting more plot bunnies loose, cheers!)

Chapter One: You're a genius

"No, no, no, NO!"

Rodney McKay was standing with his nose about an inch from Kavanaugh's, his face beetroot, and his hands twitched as if he was longing to wrap them around Kavanaugh's throat and throttle him.

"You DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, activate the ZPM in series with the Naquadah generators, unless you want to blow out every circuit from here to the control room! You activate them in parallel with each other. In fact, you are NEVER to touch the ZPM again, EVER! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, Dr. McKay, no Dr. McKay, three bags…"

That was as far as Kavanaugh actually got, because the irate scientist grabbed him by his ponytail and back of his lab coat and threw him bodily out the door, with a yell of, "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LAB!"

After the doors slammed shut after Kavanaugh's departure, Rodney just stood there, his fists clenched and breathing heavily, looking like he was about to explode. The rest of the science team stared in disbelief at their boss. Had he really just physically kicked Calvin Kavanaugh out of the Astrophysics lab?

"You should not allow yourself to be angered so," said a soft voice with a heavy Czech accent.

"Yes," Rodney snapped, "I know."

"Come," commanded Dr. Zelenka, leading his superior out of the lab and onto a conveniently empty nearby balcony, before Rodney could start on any of the other scientists.

Once they were outside, Dr. McKay growled, "Bloody idiot."

"He is an idiot; do not waste you breath trying to tell him that. It is plain for all the expedition to see. He is not worth the effort," soothed Dr. Zelenka.

Radek's words and the cool sea breeze seemed to have some effect, as the Canadian answered in something approaching his normal voice. "Radek, you know as well as I that if I hadn't stopped him, it's very likely that power would have been cut off to the control room, including the stargate, permanently."

"Yes, yes, it is plausible, it is true, but there was no need to get so… wound up… about it." At that, Radek paused. Rodney, although well known for being a drama queen and had a vicious tongue, had never 'lost it' so completely, although Radek admitted, Kavanaugh would try the patience of a saint and Rodney McKay was no saint by any stretch of the imagination. Yet there was no real reason for him to snap like that. Perhaps it was stress?

Chancing his arm, the Czech asked, "Are you alright Rodney? You appear pretty… tense."

"Tense, stressed out, worked up, in a tiz, my knickers are in a twist, whatever you want to call it, I haven't been this stressed since preparing for my exams in my freshman year!" wailed Rodney.

"May I ask why?" enquired Zelenka cautiously.

Rodney stared off into the horizon for a few minutes before answering. "I don't really know why I got so annoyed. I just feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to come up with brilliant ideas, to keep saving our asses from the Wraith, the Genii, storms, lack of power…" he sighed, "Don't say a word to anyone, especially the senior staff, please Radek?"

Surprised at being taken into confidence, Radek agreed, "Ano, is our secret. I will not speak. However, I must ask, why do you feel like you have to come up with all the ideas?"

"Because I have the highest IQ in Atlantis, I'm the Chief Scientist; it's my job to pull brilliant ideas out of my ass!"

Ignoring the unpleasant imagery, the smaller scientist continued to press the issue. "Why, though? There are many intelligent people in Atlantis; why not let them come up with the ideas for a change, hmm?"

Rodney scowled. "If I allowed idiots like Kavanaugh to come up with ideas, the city would sink within a week. Can you imagine the harebrained, daft, certifiable whack-job ideas…" his voice trailed off and his eyes lost focus suddenly. "Certifiable whack-job… certifiable… certi…"

"Rodney! You are not making sense. Are you alright?" squeaked Radek, concerned at his friend's unusual behaviour.

"Radek, you're a genius!" cried McKay and promptly kissed him on the cheek. 


	2. A certifiable idea

Chapter Two: A certifiable idea

Radek Zelenka just froze in shock. Had Rodney McKay really just kissed him and run off, shouting about lunatics and artists? Radek was rapidly coming to the conclusion that Rodney had 'gone off the deep end' and could be classed as a lunatic himself. Wondering what on earth had happened to the Chief Scientist, he ran off in pursuit.

"I've got it!" shouted Rodney happily; not caring that those poor unfortunate souls who were unlucky enough to cross paths with him were looking at him as if he had suddenly sprouted three heads.

"I've got it, I've got it, I've got it, I've..." he broke off suddenly, looking aghast.

"I've just kissed Zelenka!"

The scientist in question came sprinting into the Astrophysics lab. Barely pausing to catch his breath, he gasped out, "Has anyone seen Dr. McKay?"

"We have not," replied Dr. Kasunagi. "Not since he left with you. Is there a problem?"

"Ah… is no problem. Just radio me if you should see him." Turning so fast he almost collided with the door, Radek Zelenka dashed out of the lab, mentally wondering where a possibly insane Rodney McKay would have gone.

Some time later, Dr. Zelenka heard a strange sound coming from one of the public bathrooms as he passed in the corridor on his search for Dr. McKay.

gluggawaahaagluglugg

It sounded like… well, Radek didn't know what he thought it sounded like, only that it was watery and was very strange.

gluggawaahaagluglugg

Poking his head around the door, he shouted into the bathroom, "Hello? Is anyone in here?" There was no reply except for that strange sound.

gluggawaahaagluglugg

Then Radek spotted Rodney, who appeared to be trying to drown himself in a sink of water. Alarmed, he dashed into the room and yanked McKay's collar.

"Radek!" he spluttered. "I am so, so sorry! I don't know hat happened, really I don't, it's just that I had a brilliant idea and in the heat of the moment I did the first thing which came into my head, which is worrying because why should kissing you be the first thing I think of, it really shouldn't be, I mean, I'm straight, I don't like guys…"

Radek interrupted swiftly. "Rodney, you are babbling and are about to start hyperventilating. Calm down."

In response, Rodney just keeled over. 


	3. Rodney's brainwave

Chapter Three: Rodney's brainwave 

"Rodney, wake up!"

"Ungh?" Dr. McKay blinked, trying to avoid the glare from an overhead light. _Why am I staring at a light?_ he wondered, _Oh my God, am I dead?_

"No, you're not dead," chuckled Radek.

"Did I just say that out loud?" the Canadian groaned.

Radek grinned. "You did, yes. And you have fainted yet again."

"I do not faint; I **pass out**, got it?"

"I believe the American phrase 'whatever' would be appropriate in this situation. Now come on, get on your feet, I'm taking you to Dr. Beckett."

"But…"

"Do not argue! I do not believe that you are thinking straight, Rodney."

The colour drained out of Rodney McKay's face. "You think I'm mad?"

"Of course not!"

Radek's answer was entirely too quick for Rodney's liking.

"Radek, earlier today I had a brainwave. I was so excited, I was acting on autopilot; I would not have done what I did under normal circumstances, I accept that. But I'm not crazy either; I was just very, very happy. Unusual, I know, but there it is. There is no need to take me to see Carson, because he'll only refer me to Kate Heightmeyer, and I really don't want that," he pleaded, giving Radek the 'puppy eyes' for good measure.

Radek Zelenka peered at his friend and co-worker intently. True, Rodney had been acting out of character, but he was sure that if Rodney was delusional, then Rodney would be the last person in two galaxies to admit it.

"I will accept that. Yet I must ask… what was your brainwave?"

Rodney grinned. "It's partly your brainwave too. You said that maybe I should allow other people to come up with good ideas. Well, why not? But not just the science staff; I want everyone to have a go."

"So you're just going to ask the population of Atlantis for ideas?"

"Exactly!" said McKay, "I'm going to put up a big notice in the Mess Hall. All anyone has to do is write their idea on it. It could be anonymous or signed, it doesn't matter. If we – that's you, me and Elizabeth - think the ideas have any potential, then we give them a go."

"I thought you said we'd just get crazy ideas."

"That's the point."

Radek just shook his head. Rodney noticed.

"Trust me; if you'd ever worked with Colonel Carter, you'd know that crazy ideas have an annoying habit of turning out to be brilliant. After all, if a stupid idea works, then it isn't stupid."

"Ok people, listen up!" bellowed Rodney, cutting across the chatter in the Mess Hall. Silence ensued fairly rapidly.

"Right then, I want you all to know about a little scheme that I'm trying out. I'm going to put this notice," he waved a large sheet of paper at his audience, "On the wall here. What I want you to do is to write on it any ideas that you have that you think would be beneficial to the city and it's inhabitants, no matter how insane or stupid you think they may be. If Dr. Zelenka, Dr. Weir and myself believe that the ideas are worth a shot, we'll give them a go, got it?"

Major Lorne acted as the unofficial spokesperson. "Uh, sure Dr. McKay. We'll give it a go."

Rodney nodded in response, turned, and tacked up the notice he'd been carrying.

It was only when Dr. McKay left the Mess did Lorne realise that there was a heading on the paper. It read 'The Sam Carter List.'


	4. One week later

Chapter Four: One week later… 

Radek Zelenka was sitting quietly at his desk in the Astrophysics Lab, staring at his computer screen as if it contained the answers to the mystery of life. In reality, Radek's mind was AWOL; he was contemplating the past week's events.

It had seemed like a normal week, relatively speaking, for no week on Atlantis was ever normal. Kavanaugh was sulking in the chemistry labs, keeping out of Dr. McKay's way, still sore after being kicked out of the Astrophysics Lab. Rodney, for his part, gave the impression that he was back to his usual snarky self, sniping at everyone, correcting equations… he even managed to annoy his staff so much his sparked yet another spectacular row between himself and Dr. Winter. Radek smiled at that memory; he had been nearby and broke up the argument before any blood was shed, by rendering both combatants unconscious with a Wraith stunner. Not everybody gets to shoot their boss. _It could have been nasty though,_ he remembered, _there wouldn't have been enough left of the two physicists to put into a matchbox for burial, if they'd been left to their own ends._

The Czech was abruptly woken from his mind's wanderings by a loud and excited yell.

"Oy, Radek, the list's full!"

Radek swore in Czech as his tea spilled on the desk, mercifully not on the laptop or papers.

"Am busy, Rodney"

Rodney ignored him, bouncing on the balls of his feet and brandished a piece of paper in Radek's face.

"The Sam Carter List. It's been filled. Do you want to take a look, or would you rather stay staring at the computer like you've been hypnotised?"

Radek groaned, belatedly remembering Rodney's 'brainwave.' "Very well. What mad schemes have the people of Atlantis deigned to scribble on the notice?"

"Let's see… number one, from Lydia Winter… 'Can you build a rocket to which you could strap patronising scientists?' Hmph! She had better not be referring to me!"

"I'm thinking Kavanaugh," said Zelenka tactfully. Rodney grinned, like a hungry shark that's spotted a lone swimmer in the water.

"I'm thinking, I like the way your mind works, Dr. Zelenka. Ok, we'll consider that possible… but just between you and me, I don't think Elizabeth would approve. Ok, next…" Rodney stopped in incredulity, "You won't believe this one… 'Is it really possible to generate finite amounts of probability by hooking the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a Brownian Motion producer and from that, make all the molecules in people's underwear jump one foot to the left, and does it have to use a cup of tea?' Oh, for heaven's sake! Who the bloody hell came up with that?"

Radek peered at the notice. "It is simply signed 'Reefgirl'. I would assume that, whoever she is, she enjoys reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." He looked up at Rodney. "I would also assume that we will not be trying this idea."

"Got that right! Moving swiftly on… 'Can you develop a device that makes paperwork do itself and/or disappear entirely?" Hmmm… I wish! Put it in the 'give it a go' pile. We've all got a vested interest in that…"

Radek laughed at the next suggestion. "Look at this, 'Can I use Kavanaugh as a punch bag during training sessions?' Anonymous…"

"As much as I like the sound of that, I suppose we'll have to just settle for poster pin-ups of his slimy face… they could use them in the target ranges too! Too much paperwork, otherwise…"

"But if we solve the idea before it…"

"True…" Rodney grinned. "'Puddlejumper FM?' Is Colonel Sheppard serious? He wants radios in the puddlejumpers?"

Radek looked thoughtful. "Is possible at least to download a music programme and songs from a laptop into the jumper's programming… essentially, he could listen to his own music collection in flight."

McKay just shook his head. "Whatever keeps the flyboy happy. Ok… 'Can you set up traps in the hallways – such as those in the Indian Jones films.' From a security standpoint, that's one worth considering. Imagine if the Genii got in here again and we could send a giant ball of rock rolling after Koyla…"

"But would such things be possible?"

"We'll find out! Check this… Dr. Davies wants to know if we can use Energizer bunnies instead of ZPMs." At this, Rodney just dissolved into laughter.

The pair of scientists whiled away the rest of the afternoon, happily going through the ideas of the expedition members. The most frequent request was for various ways in which to torture Kavanaugh, which included being set upon by wolves, being sent to another planet, flogging, being left in a room with Ronon etc. There were a few more that Rodney thought were possible, including a gem from Lindsey Novak, 'Can we design space transmitters to act as relay stations between Atlantis and Earth so we can receive TV signals.' Both Rodney and Radek though that it was a long shot and would be difficult to maintain, but worth it if they could receive up-to-date episodes of Wormhole X-treme.

After a few hours, when both physicists were tired but cheerful, they decided to call it a day. Pausing before leaving the lab, Rodney pinned up the notice in a prominent position above his desk. Radek watched him with a smile playing about his lips.

"It has been gnawing at me… Why call it 'The Sam Carter List'?"

"Because Colonel Carter comes up with the most certifiable ideas that I've ever heard of… and they usually work too."

"So you used her name for a list of idiotic ideas? Won't she be offended by that?" questioned Radek.

Rodney just laughed. "Yes, but it's not like she's ever going to see it!"

Radek Zelenka shook his head. Rodney was much happier now, much less stressed out than he'd been a week ago. So what if it took a few crazy ideas to put him back on track? It was much more satisfying to disprove Rodney's theories when he was on the ball, and besides, who knew? Some of those ideas might prove to be useful.

A/N: Thanks to Reefgirl for her suggestion with the Hitchhiker's Guide and to BiteMeTechie for the use of Dr. Winter yet again! I should also point out that the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was written by Douglas Adams, I'm only borrowing it, don't sue, yadda yadda.


End file.
